Remember when the landlord gave me permission to do some work on the house? Here are some updates
This is the closet. It has the same amount of space, but is accessible now. As you can see from the first two pictures, it was impossible to reach the things in the back. Now it’s nicely organized and easily accessible.
I also have put up the backyard fence, put in new kitchen and bathroom faucets, and fixed the running toilet!
The man in the mirror doesn’t know who he is,
Is it really him, or the man behind the glass?
Is he capable of love, or is that all just a myth
He loves till he gets tired, then he wants to quit.
The numbers on this road lead to another dead end,
Driving in reverse until he turns around again.
His beautiful songbird, he clipped her wings to keep her
He wanted her to save him but didn’t really need her.
Her wings are growing out, she’s getting ready to fly
How will he find himself when she says goodbye?
He wants for her to end it all so he won’t be to blame,
But when he’s all alone, he’s drowning in his shame.
His sadness he carries like a backpack full of rocks
He’s put it down and picked it up, he just can’t make it stop.
She cannot wait any longer, it’s time for her to fly
She steps out of that dark, grey room, trying not to cry.
She won’t be back, he knows this time, he’s given it all away.
Now it’s all up to him, what will he choose today?
I wrote this on a dark day back when my life and heart were upside down. Now that I’m finding my way back, I feel like sharing so that someone else might find some peace.
These last 6 days have been a whirlwind of death, funerals, and trying to survive. But I never felt alone. Even in the most anxiety-filled moments, even when I was awake at 2 am willing myself to just breathe, I felt the presence of my Big Daddy, my Jesus.
When I gave out of an urging in my heart, knowing that I didn’t truly have it to give, it was replaced with increase. When I got up to speak, ignoring my terrific fear of speaking to a crowd, He used my words to bless others.
It’s been a while since I’ve written. I don’t really have any explanation except that life just gets in the way. In my last post, I had just gotten divorced and spent one last weekend with him. I had to go to Houston for my two-year check-up post kidney donation and he went along. We spent one night at a hotel by the hospital and one night at a hotel on the seawall. The next morning, he woke me up early to catch the sunrise over the water. It was amazing.
Then it was back home, back to life…school, work, mommyship. The fall semester flew by in an instant and suddenly it’s a new year. My best friend is getting published in October, I hope to start the nursing program in August, my baby girl will be a high schooler and by first-born, my son, my man cub, a senior! I will graduate with an associates degree in May. I’m still not even sure how that happened.
Most days, I want to hit pause, just take a break and savor the moment. This week, though, I would love to hit fast forward and just get it over with. 3 deaths in 4 days is too much. It has left me winded and struggling just to get air enough to sustain. One of the people that passed has left an impact on my life so huge that I am just treading water trying to cope with the loss of him.
I am thankful that I have my guitar for a distraction and a trip to New York next week, somewhere I have never been before.
As the sun rose above the ocean, you beside me
The air was crisp and clean and the world was quiet, still asleep
Before the rush and worry of the day began, a story ended
A beautiful goodbye, a brief eternity going out with the tide
In an instant, a change of title, the end of a chapter, an interlude
No hurt or hate or anger, only what would have been if….
So many questions but no answers, only this ocean vast and eternal
A friendship the same, with new beginnings and endings
Lessons and trials, successes and losses
A friend to share it, sitting next to me as the sky lit up
With hopes, with dreams, with possibilities…
While the world was sleeping, a story was ending
As it awoke, a new one begins
Time to get real here. The last year didn’t go how I imagined it would. Ten months ago my husband moved out. He’s recently become a little more candid with the fact that I’ve been cheated on. Two months ago, he filed for divorce. I’ve suffered from depression, anxiety, and more. I weigh more right now than I ever have in my life. I don’t sleep and I’m tired ALL OF THE TIME. I’m going to school full time AND working full time. I have two teenagers, my son just started driving, blah blah blah….the list could go on and on.
But you know what? It’s okay. I’m okay.
I’ve been evaluating and sorting and trying to figure out all of the processes of grief in my head. But here’s the thing. I like me. I may not be happy with what I see in the mirror but I have the power to fix that part and I really like who I am.
I am beyond blessed. I have the most amazing friend a girl could have. Over twenty years she’s been beside me. She has seen all of my mistakes, all of my stupid choices, all of my successes and losses and she loves me anyway. I have beautiful children with kind hearts and brilliant minds and I couldn’t be more proud of them. I have a great job that supports my need to go to school and become a better me. I also have a support system that no one can imagine unless you know them.
The best part? I know exactly who I am and what I want. I am a strong, beautiful, real, spiritual woman who is trusting in and loved by God.
The last chapter of my life may not have been exactly how I would have written it but the next one is a blank page and I am writing my fingers off. A song very near and dear to my heart says “I’ve always had wings, I’m finally ready to fly.”
I’m not just ready, friends, I am flying.
So here we are, 10 months since he left. Some days it doesn’t seem like it has been that long, some days it seems like forever. So where am I?
I finished my first semester in college with an A, but it was only a mini semester, super easy with a great teacher. This semester is A&P and another Psych class. Psych is easy but A&P is quite overwhelming, but also a great teacher. I remind myself daily that this will all pay off in the end. It’s only hard, right!?
My health is coming back. I am not as small as I would like to be, but I’m not as big as I was. The gym is actually wonderful therapy and it sure does help out with karate, too. We test for our orange belts tomorrow. That is exciting. I plan to buy a bicycle next week, too. I live in such a beautiful town, I can’t wait to ride around and see the sights in the evenings.
Emotionally, I am better than ever. I am stronger every day. Do I still miss him sometimes? Sure, but not really him, I think. More like I miss the man he was supposed to be. Do I wish that someone would mow the yard or wash my car? Sure, but who doesn’t? (I wished those things when I was married too, though.)
Some people want to judge you because you change. Some people want to judge because you stay the same. Here’s something…you do you. I got me handled. Maybe not the best grammar, but it works.
Is it really success if it feels like loss?
Sometimes in life we have small successes: win a contest, make a good grade, get a job, whatever. And when there is supposed to be someone there to celebrate those successes with you, but there’s not, it doesn’t feel quite like a success anymore. Whether it’s distance, death, divorce or whatever that took those from you who “should” be there, it doesn’t change the way it feels.
This week I have had several small successes: I made a 103 on my Psych final and a 101 for the term, and I got a first place medal for both of my entries in this morning’s karate tournament. Both pretty awesome things. However, without my husband to share them with, without anyone to share them with…it feels much more like loss. It reminds me that he’s gone. It reminds me that the last 9 years are memories to be filed into that chapter in the book of my life.
I will not dwell on this feeling. I simply had to get it out so it no longer took up residence in my psyche, taunting my thoughts and begging permission to be felt. Instead, I give myself permission to celebrate me. Celebrate the life I am building, the strength I am gaining and the ability to move forward in it. This is my success for today.
To my darling daughter and all of the amazing young ladies in my life:
You are my hero. You have an amazing heart, a kind spirit, and eyes that see the good in people – even if all they show the world is the bad. In a thirteen year old drama filled world, you are a brilliant ray of sunshine. You are my only daughter and you have filled my world with “extra” daughters by welcoming your friends into our home. I love that about you. But sometimes I find it hard to love your friends.
As I thought about some of the people that you surround yourself with, I am afraid because I know that we become like those we spend time with. Then I was reminded that those girls spend time with you, too. They will become more kind, gentle, and caring by knowing you. While I pray that your tender heart is not broken by hurtful words from young girls mouths, I also welcome the opportunity for you to see how strong and resilient you are. To learn that you can and will recover from that and future heartbreaks. (Yikes, even the ones that will come from boys.)
As I thought more about your friends, I tried to remember my friends at your age. One friend, Jamie, my father did not care for much at all. He called her “wild, unruly, and a bad influence.” Today, she is still my friend, has two gorgeous daughters, a loving husband, and is a high school principal. Another friend, Sharon, ooooh, my dad actually forbade me to be around her at times, saying that she was to blame for this attitude or that eye roll – never mind that I was a teenage girl and attitudes and eye rolls come along with the territory. Sharon and her husband own their own business and she is a strong woman for God today.
And me. Oh, me. My very best friend in the entire world: her mother still doesn’t think I’m the best influence on her. Oh my gosh, that woman hated me. I remember the look on her face when we came running to her at graduation begging to borrow her shoes because mine were navy blue, not black, and they were not going to let me walk across the stage to graduate unless I changed them immediately. Sigh. She is my closest, dearest friend. She is my “person.” She is the one person in this world that I can call no matter what time it is and tell anything to. She has shown me tough love and she has walked beside me during my darkest times. She knows all my ugliness and loves me anyway. I pray that you already have this friend in your life and that you know what it’s like to have that one friend that walks beside you through college, marriage, babies, and life.
All this to say. You have a great heart. You are old enough to make your own decisions; just know that the consequences of those choices may sometimes be painful. Know that I trust you but understand this: though I may not always like your friends, they are your friends and only you can decide whether or not you want them in your life. Be strong, bold, and kind. Be sensitive, caring, and steadfast. But above all, my love, be you. Love with all your heart and learn to heal when it gets broken. Live a life full of memories and light on regrets. Make your choices and believe
in yourself…I do.
I love you!
So last time, I told you that I got the okay from my landlord to spruce up this old rental house a little bit. I listed many projects that I plan to overtake. The first…the closet.
From the outside, the closet appears smallish, but on the inside, 4’3″ from the hinges is the back of the closet. This makes the clothes in the back very hard to get to.
On the other side of the closet, a double sliding door into my kids’ room. Better access to the clothes, but they each have their own closets, they don’t need in mine.
Objective: open the closet on my side, close on the kids’ side, and create a functioning, organized closet space. Looking something like the closet below (photo from thisoldhouse.com):
I have experience in building closets and I hope that my experience will come in handy as I undergo this project. Here’s what I’ve done so far. First, draw the lines and cut away the existing wall with the Sawzall.
Luckily for me, the wall to be cut out was the original outside wall (this bedroom is an add on) and had no electric lines run through it. It was also not a weight bearing wall, there were no studs to cut through or replace. Unlucky for me, the sheetrock was screwed on over the existing siding, so I had to saw through siding as well as sheetrock on the inside and outside of the closet.
Here’s the wall after I cut it out. Nice, it came out in one big piece. Being all by myself, I had to cut it into smaller pieces to get it outside.
All nice and open now. Over 7.5 feet of closet. Cleanup and back to work today, will have to work on it in the evenings. But at least I can hang the rod back up and reach all of my clothes for now!
Michelle Phillips Writes 